Blasphemous Read online

  As always, the four of us parted and did our own thing for a bit, then caught up an hour later.

  Alcohol didn’t appeal much to me, so instead of getting a drink, I strode out towards the back that led to the beach. Taking my shoes off, I strode towards the shore, feeling the cool sand underneath my soles as I went along, stopping at the spot where the sand met the water.

  The moon was out tonight, but it didn’t give me that awestruck feeling like it did back in Aspasia. It didn’t feel magical, just the plain, old moon, hanging in the darkened sky, playing as the backdrop for the ocean.

  Bass, where are you? Come back to me before you get lost. Please, come back, I silently pleaded, hoping whoever had the power to hear my wishes, would grant me what I wanted the most.

  “Emma?” a voice came from behind me.

  I said I wanted Bass back, not Carter! I wanted to scream, but found myself spinning around to face the culprit who caused so much heartache for me, making me lose the only man who loved me with no reservations.

  “Carter,” I greeted him with a chilly tone. I saw him flinch at the way I shot him down.

  “I heard about what happened. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for it go like that at all.”

  Giving him a hateful stare, I shrieked, “You’re sorry! Please, I would love to hear how you thought it’d turn out?”

  Carter looked pained before letting out a breath. “I was thinking that you would realize that I was serious this time. That what you had with Bass wasn’t real. That you would come to me because you realized that, but I never thought he’d leave you. I mean, he chased you around for quite sometime.” He took a step closer, now a foot away from me. “I never wanted you hurt, but looking at you now, I caused you more pain. It hurts to see you like this.”

  Seeing the real agony in his eyes, I looked down and played in the sand with my big toe, processing things. “He wouldn’t have left if I had just told him things, but I was scared. I—” I choked up, thinking of the conversation we had when he asked if there were other things that needed to be said because he wanted us to have a solid relationship. I thought keeping it from him was a way of protecting what I had with Bass and at the same time protecting his feelings, too. I didn’t want him to hurt anymore than I had, especially when the subject was related to Carter. “It’s my fault. There’s no one to blame but me.”

  “I’m really sorry, Emma.”

  I gave him a grieved smile before strolling away.

  Chapter 14

  “Falling in love is like getting drunk. You wake up with a horrible hangover, swearing that you’ll never drink again.”

  - Author Unknown

  Emma

  I didn’t know what it was with today, but it felt like something was pulling me down, trying to drown me with thoughts of Bass and dwell on the fact that he’s gone.

  I wanted to feel nothing.

  I was tired from all these excessive emotions. I needed a break. Just for a few hours, I sought a hiatus.

  At four in the afternoon, I found myself at a bar, downing shots one after the other until I couldn’t lift my hand anymore.

  A few hours later, someone was trying to break me out of my coma. There was a soft grip on my shoulder, slightly shaking me to wake up. It took a few seconds to open my eyes, blinking back, squinting as I tried to focus on the stranger’s face. “Sweetie, is there someone I can call to come and get you?” a kind woman who had streaks of purple on her dyed black hair asked. She looked at me with heartfelt concern.

  I was sure I looked like the poster for a hot mess at the moment. Though, I think, people who had broken hearts were entitled to be messed up as they saw fit. This was the worst physical pain anyone could go through without being sick or having an actual wound. Bass, I missed him so bad it gave me constant chest pains. The thought of him with Lydia was killing me inside. “I’m sorry. I’m not usually this reckless,” I mumbled incoherently, closing my droopy lids as I leaned against the tiled wall. “He left me. It’s too late now.”

  “I’m sorry to hear that. I’ve been there, too, but you can’t pass out in a bar’s bathroom. It’s too dangerous. Ask your friends to be with you when you want to drink. Where’s your cell phone? We’re going to get you out of here and back to your place.”

  “My purse. Thank you.”

  I heard her pick my purse up and rummage to get my phone. “Who do I call to get you, honey? Can any of your girlfriends pick you up?”

  Lindsey? No, she was going to lecture me all night long; I would never hear the end of it. Amber? Same thing. Trista? I would’ve loved to have her here, but she was with Taylor in LA. That only left me with one person that I could trust not to tell anyone. “Call Carter.”

  “Alright, it’s ringing,” she said in a mild tone. “No, this is Jackie. Emma actually needs you to come and get her since she can barely stand.” She paused, listening to the other end. “Yep, she’s definitely drunk. Of course, I can wait with her until you get here. Okay.”

  Jackie moved closer, cupping my cheek until I opened my eyes and leveled my drunken gaze at her. “Emma? Carter is on his way. He said he lives close, so he should be here soon. Hang in there, honey.”

  I gave her a sad smile, before I closed my eyes again. “Thank you, Jackie. This is so kind of you.”

  The door was yanked open with such force I was sure that it cracked the tiled wall. “Emma!”

  Carter. He sure knew how to make an entrance. I was relieved to hear his voice.

  He was on his knees, checking if I was still breathing. I must’ve looked like I was on the verge of dying for him to even do that. “I’m drunk, not dead, idiot,” I groaned in frustration.

  “You look it, Emma. God, what the hell are you doing?”

  “Getting drunk.”

  “I’m going to carry you out, okay?” he whispered as he tucked the hair that was on my face behind my ear. He then focused his attention to the kind Jackie. “Thank you for staying with her. She could’ve been hurt if you weren’t here.”

  “Oh, it was nothing. Though try to make sure the next time she wants to get drunk, she’s with friends?”

  “I will. Thank you again.”

  I added my mumbled thanks before I passed out of consciousness once more.

  ~E~

  I woke up heaving with an extremely dry throat; I thought I was choking from the air that was passing through my nostrils. When I pried my eyes open, everything around me started to spin.

  “Emma? Are you okay?”

  Carter.

  “Water,” I alarmingly whispered. The tip of my tongue tried to wet my dry lips, but it didn’t help. Swallowing my saliva was painful.

  “Here, drink slowly.” Carter sat across me as he held the bottled water against my lips.

  The crisp taste of cold water was heavenly. I drank it slowly until I finished it to the last drop.

  “Better?”

  “Very much, thanks,” I replied as my head hit the pillow. Carter hadn’t moved from where he sat. I was wondering what he was thinking about me being reckless.

  “I’ll be back.” He finally stood up, leaving the room.

  My eyes were shut, but I suddenly became aware of everything around me. Like the fact that the smell on the pillow that I was on was definitely Carter’s.

  Why in the world was I here? He could’ve taken me back to my place a block away. His smell made me remember how I used to be with him. If Bass hadn’t happened, would I still be hung up on Carter? Maybe, but Bass did happen. He swooped into my life like a damn tornado. Nothing was ever going to be the same after that experience—larger than life—leaving a memory that could never be forgotten.

  This was a different kind of heartache from what I had experienced before. The first one was hard. The second one was extremely difficult. However, this third one was intensely wretched, soul-draining, and painfully numbing. The chest pains were constant. My stomach was unstable. The supply of tears was never-ending. Everything ached in me, but I w
as absolutely lifeless at the same time.

  Heartbreak was like an incurable disease. It’s unstoppable, wreaking havoc when it latches on. Seeping inside your system, destroying everything it passes. Spreading the poison as it kills you slowly, inside out. Killing you softly.

  My depressing thoughts halted when I heard Carter enter the room. “Emma? I got a few more bottles just in case you need it for later,” he spoke as he slid into bed next to me.

  I stayed silent as I listened to his steady breathing. Even if Carter was persistently annoying, it didn’t change the fact that he cared for me. Tonight, I was grateful for that. Having him this close somehow gave me comfort. “Thank you,” I managed to croak out.

  “I’m always here for you, Em.” He sighed, moving closer to me. “I hate seeing you this way. It hurts me to see you hurting like this.”

  I hated it, too, but there was no one to blame except me. I understood Bass’s decision, but accepting it was hard. For three months, we were together most of the time. We slept, showered, ate, partied together. We were inseparable. I was whole with him.

  “I hate it, too, but there’s nothing I can do about it.” When tears started to form behind my burning eyes, I slowly got up and sat on the bed. Even though I was still drunk, I wanted a change of clothes. “Can I borrow a shirt? I need to get out of this dress.”

  “Of course.” Carter got up, took a shirt from the drawer and handed it to me. “You still have your things here. You never came back for them.”

  He handed me my large white shirt that had a brown bear with a ‘hug me’ across it. “Oh, right. I’d totally forgotten about that.” My hand took hold of the shirt before departing for the restroom. I hadn’t bothered turning on the light since my reflection was the last thing I needed to see. I already felt like I died, but death spat me out, so I was alive yet barren inside. Getting out of my dress was fairly easy and I sighed with relief as I slid the soft, over-washed cotton over my figure.

  When I stepped out of the bathroom, I found Carter back in bed, watching every move I made with dark desire in his eyes. I was undaunted. Well, as before, I would probably be uncomfortable.

  His eyes followed as I slid onto the bed. He then reached out and switched off the lamp on his side table. I was on my side, facing him, curious and at the same time needing to think of something other than Bass. “How have you been, Carter?”

  “Missing you like hell. That’s all I ever do, apart from soccer and hanging out with the guys, you are all I think about.”

  “Why haven’t you given up, though? I’ve rejected you all summer long.” Yet still, you persisted.

  “I loved you before, when we were together, but I never realized just how much until I lost you this time around. I believe in my heart that we still have a chance together.”

  Regrets were the worst kind of failure. Carter and I were in the same boat on that score, but sadly, headed for a different destination. “I believe it, too, in my heart, that Bass and I still have a chance to make this work. What do I do when he doesn’t care about it, though?”

  “If he really does love you, he won’t let you go.”

  “What happens if he does it this time? What do I do then?”

  “Move on,” he murmured, before adding, “and come back to me, Emma.”

  Ha, there’s wishful thinking for you. “Goodnight, Carter,” I whispered, closing my eyes.

  I had no clue what time sleep finally caught me, but I knew Carter’s eyes never left me. I could feel him, staring until I slept.

  ~E~

  “I want to be your favorite hello and your hardest goodbye.”

  - Author Unknown

  The next day, I found myself in the same situation, BUT when it was closing time at three in the morning, I found myself driving towards the freeway.

  Not that I was an irresponsible person, but I drove drunk for the very first time to Bass’s house with his gate remote and key on my dashboard. I barely stopped when I got to his house and unceremoniously opened it without much care if he would get mad at me for trespassing at his home.

  I had to see him.

  I was dying to see him.

  The entire house was blasting Stop and Stare by One Republic. I paused for a moment, unsure what to do. In my too eager stubbornness, I forgot to stop and consider if Lydia was here with him.

  His home was dark, but there were lights coming out of the kitchen, so I strode towards it. I started to feel unsure when the song changed to Apologize. The lyrics sang into my heart. Each word pierced through me making me a bit unsteady.

  I spun around to leave, but I found my drunk-self eyeing my last meal on earth. Bass only had some rugged jeans on with a bottle of wine in his hand.

  The rest was pure gloriously bare skin.

  This, HIM, was what I needed. What I’ve been craving for the last week. Bass—only him and no one else.

  “Emma?” Bass called out, looking at me as if to make sure I wasn’t a ghost or his imagination playing tricks with him.

  He took a remote control from his back pocket and cut off the music before diverting his attention back to me. “What are you doing here? It’s four in the morning,” Bass said, disbelieving, as he looked at me like I’d lost my mind.

  I probably had, amongst other things.

  I was desperate, though, and I wanted to hold onto whatever I could. “I needed to see you tonight.” I licked my lips as my eyes roved over his fantastic form. “I want…” I trailed off as I slowly strode towards him. Bass suddenly froze on the spot when my finger brushed over his chest, trailing it until it hit his jeans. “You…” I whispered before I leaned over against his ear. “Fuck me. Anywhere and everywhere you want.” I heard him take a sharp breath and I could feel his heart pounding against mine, but he got hold of my arm and slowly pushed me off his body.

  “No, Emma. You’re obviously drunk. We’ve already discussed this. You need to let me go.”

  Rejection, again, each time felt like the first. New wounds split open as I tried to compose myself. “You can’t mean that… I don’t believe you. I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again, I’m sorry for hiding it from you. I’ve regretted it ever since.” Tears started to form in my eyes, but I was shattered to see his closed-off self after I brought up the subject again.

  “Emma—”

  I knew what was going to come out, so I had to cut him off. “Tell me what to do, Bass! I’ll do it just to have you back,” I desperately pleaded, knowing I’d do anything to have him with me again. “Anything, just to have you back.” Choked up, I continued my plea, “I’m hurting without you. I’m breaking—I can’t think of anything else but you, Bass. So, please, for the last time, I’m asking you to reconsider and give us another chance to be together.”

  “We’ve been here before.” He continued to look determined and heartless. His resolve hardened. “You have to understand that there’s no more us.”

  No. No. No.

  “Don’t you love me?” I brokenly whispered, trying to understand everything he was telling me.

  “You misunderstand, Emma. This is not about love anymore, it’s about trust. You’ve betrayed it each time I handed it back to you. Why should I chance it again? So, you could trample on it a third time? I think not. We need to start letting go of each other.”

  I looked at him like he was talking like a mad man. “How could you willingly throw everything away?”

  His jaw locked, gritting his teeth before he gave me a wrathful stare. “You did it quite easily, Emma. I suppose I could do the same, as well. Besides, I don’t want to be with a woman who’s in love with two men.” Those piercing depths held a knife in my heart, slowly pushing it in, twisting it inside, bleeding me alive. “I want to be the only one. I want a woman who only craves me and no other man. I need a woman who can make me happy without me doubting her commitment. I’ve exhausted myself believing in you, Emma.”

  “But—”

  Bass cut me off, harsh, decisive
and unwavering. “There’s nothing to go back to. We have to start moving on, you should know that.”

  Damn it! Why did I come out here? I was beyond repair—ego and confidence. I just had to accept that Bass didn’t want to be with me any longer. Why was that so hard to accept? FUCK! We were done and that’s that. I shouldn’t keep begging.

  I was becoming past pathetic while I stood, bewildered and frantic, with my mouth hanging ajar. I wanted to argue, I wanted him to want me back again, but I was out of argument. Why should I keep pushing myself on him when he’d been telling me to back the hell off?

  It is time to go, Emma, I told myself. Let it go. Let him go.

  It was time.

  Nodding as if in agreement with my thoughts, I spoke quietly, “You’re right, I should move on, go ahead and jump in Carter’s bed. Thank you! Maybe I should just take your advice and see him now.” At least, I could just jump on Carter’s bed, sleep there and not feel so alone.

  Unwanted.

  Undesirable.

  I was about to spin around and leave, but his stoic stance broke and I was rooted on the spot as I watched him drastically throw the wine bottle on the floor, breaking it and splattering the contents all over the floor. Red liquid and shards of green glass were scattered close to him in his barefoot state, but he was past caring as he undauntedly strode towards me with wild, feral eyes. “You come in my home, try to seduce me and—the second I decline you—you decide to insult me? HOW FUCKING DARE YOU SPEAK ABOUT FUCKING HIM IN FRONT OF ME! Don’t you have any care or respect for me at all?”

  If I was sane, I would have tried to comfort him and apologize.

  But. I. Was. Not. That. Person.

  A person shouldn’t trust a drunk, broken-hearted woman because they were bitter, angry, and tactless beings. “That’s what you wanted, right? Then I’ll go ahead and let him fuck me until I’m out of it. Bye.”

  I was leaving this fucking place, I thought as I started to walk towards the foyer with newfound determination.